Friday 27th February

Maggie asked: "Are you missing eating the amounts of food you used to eat?"
The quick answer to that is HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!! lol
Then when I think about it, the answer would be "sort of".
It is really hard to describe.....
Last night was a classic example:
I wanted something yummy. Don't know what "yummy" is, but I wanted it.
We ended up going to a Malaysian place, and I ordered a chicken and vegetable stir fry thing with NO OIL!
Jeremy ordered a lamb curry with Roti bread, and then on the spur of the moment he ordered a couple of chicken wings as well.
His shout......... I didn't pay a cent! YAY!!!!
In the past, it would have been absolutely acceptable (for us) to order THREE mains, plus bread, plus entrees.
So, we got home, I spooned out a couple of spoons of the chicken stir fry (mostly meat) and it smelt delicious!!!!!!!
I pinched a spoon full of Jeremy's curry too - all I took was one cube of lamb and one potato cube with a tiny bit of sauce.
I didn't go near the rice, OR the roti bread (which is my all time FAVOURITE!!) - cos I'm supposed to "avoid rice, pasta and bread for two months post op" Aye Mum!?!? lol
Anyway, when I saw how much was on my plate, I was disappointed.... I actually felt sad for a minute.
In my past life before surgery, there was nothing that I loved more, than tucking in to a big pile of good food, knowing that I would get that lovely full and happy feeling. I loved trying new things, I loved high fat, high sugar foods that gave me that glorious "content" feeling.
Yet, looking at my plate last night, I felt totally pissed off at the world.
I wondered how the hell I was going to face the rest of my life eating such a small amount..... ME? How was I going to cope? I'm a FOODIE for gods sake!!!
What was life going to be like without food in copious amounts?!?!?!

I shouldn't have bothered being sad.............
I had a classic "dumping" session, and after just a few mouthfuls, was hunched over the toilet bowl feeling bloody miserable and vowing NEVER to go near Malaysian food again!!!!!
What did I eat???
The one cube of potato from Jeremy's curry - that was fine.
Three pieces of chicken from the stir fry - they were fine
ONE TINY FUCKEN CUBE OF LAMB from Jeremy's curry - NOT BLOODY FINE!!!!!
I chewed and chewed and chewed, and managed to swallow a little bit of it, then had to spit the rest out.
Then, a couple of minutes later................ BAM!
Hot and cold sweats, stabbing pain in my stomach, excess gas........ then WHAM - vomiting!
NOT FAIR!!!!!!!
When I try new foods, I take a small bite, then wait a few minutes. If I don't feel anything "bad", I know I can continue.
So I KNEW it wasn't the potato or the chicken.........
Ah well, at least I didn't pay for it huh??? lol

Anyway, as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I realised that it didn't actually matter.
I thought about it............... eating used to be a joy for me.
BUT...... because it was such a short term "high", I found myself constantly needing more and more to satisfy the need..... much the same as a drug addict I guess.
Sure, the buzz was there when I was actually eating, but as soon as the eating was done, and the "Shit I have eaten too much" thoughts entered my head, I was miserable again!
I knew that I had stuffed up whatever diet I was supposed to be following on that day/week/month.
Then the self loathing would follow.
Then, like the vicious cycle that it was.......... the self medicating would happen again.
"Well, I have stuffed up now, and I know that I am just a big fat cow, what harm could a chocolate bar do now?"
And so I would hunt out more food, and again, it would feel good while it was going down, but then the cycle started all over again.
When I look back now, I realise that I was never EVER content with what I had eaten!!!
I could sit down and eat a full three course meal, then be looking for more food after half an hour.
It was almost like I could never satisfy my need for food......... and now, I don't have that option.

So........ what I am trying to say, is that YES - I have missed eating large amounts of food.
But after last night, I realise that I don't HAVE to miss it.
I just have to adjust.

Anyway, enough rambling........

I have just updated my pictures on the link on the left hand side..... but looking at them - you can't actually see any difference in me!
Ah well...... I know that I am feeling better, and my clothes are definietly looser, so I just have to be patient!!!
I thought about it, and decided that I will just update them on a monthly basis, on the anniversary of my surgery.
Now I just have to figure out how to put them side by side!