Friday 29th October 2010

Yes - I was overdoing it.
I came to that realisation BIG TIME on Monday night.
Actually - probably more on Tuesday morning once the tears had subsided and the enormity of hissy fit was blindingly obvious.
Physically and emotionally drained, I dragged my ass in to work, I should have stayed home.
I cried at work on Tuesday, several times, over nothing.
I cried again on Tuesday night, and actually told Jeremy how I was feeling, and the fact that sometimes it all just seems too hard.
And I also came to the realisation that the expectations I have on myself, are most definitely NOT the expectations he has on me.
They are unrealistic targets I have subconsciously set myself, thinking that everything NEEDS to be done here and NOW!
Things CAN'T wait until tomorrow, next weekend, next month etc.
The house HAS to be perfect at all times no matter how tired I am.
Dinner HAS to be home cooked every meal, Rhian HAS to have a cut lunch every single day.
The weekends MUST be spent working on the house renovations, cleaning the house, cooking, entertaining and wearing myself out.
If the weekend isn't busy, then I am lazy.  It means I am a lazy self centred person with no regard for personal possessions and it means I have NO sense of pride in myself!
Ya know what??
All of that is bull shit!
A complete load of utter bollocks that I have drummed in to my OWN head over the years.
Where the hell did it all come from??  
WHO BLOODY KNOWS!?!?!?!?!
But, it's time for a change!
I am NOT lazy!
I DO have a great deal self pride!
And I don't have to bring myself to the verge of a goddamn breakdown to prove that to anyone!!!

So..... Wednesday I stayed home from work, I slept until midday and I woke up feeling almost human!
There were no tears, there were no tantrums and I felt OK.
Thursday, I stayed home as well, and although I didn't sleep much, I didn't do anything!  
Quite simply, I stayed in bed most of the day watching crap daytime TV, and dozing whenever I wanted to.
It was bliss!
I've come to work today, but I've got nothing to do, so I am gonna head home very shortly, and take a nap!
Next week, once my manager is back from leave, I will sit down and talk to him about my work load.
At the moment it is non-existant, and I hate it.
I feel completely unmotivated and cranky about it all, so I'm actually going to DO something about it.
The need to feel like I am contributing is high for me.  I'm not saying I need to be flat out busy, but seriously at the moment, I am lucky if I do one hour of actual work a day, and it is getting me down.
My brain needs to be stimulated, and that is exactly what I will talk about next week, as I know there is a lot more that I could be doing....

I also realised that I had stopped taking my daily vitamins.
Why?
Because my prescription had run out, and I simply hadn't bothered to get it filled again.
Stupid huh??
A quick phone call to my Dr's office yesterday got that sorted out, and I will pick them up today.
PLUS, I am also going to start taking a B12 every day as well.....  it certainly can't hurt.
Hopefully I will start to feel a little better as the days progress...

So... the upshot of it all is this:
SLOW DOWN!
We have 5 months until the baby is due to arrive, that means we have 5 months to get the room ready.
It doesn't have to all be done in a weekend or two.
SLOW DOWN!
The entire house does NOT have to be painted at once.
Sure, it may look terrible from the outside, but we are comfortable on the inside, and that is all that matters!
Summer is coming, and if it takes all bloody summer to get the house done, then SO BE IT!!!
SLOW DOWN!
If I am too tired to cook after a day at work, then what the heck is wrong with toasted sandwiches for dinner?  Or.... God forbid.... takeaways!?!?!
IT'S OK!!!  
It doesn't mean I am lazy, it just means that I am accepting of my limitations and acting like a responsible adult, not some neurotic head case!

There ya have it!
I'm just a little annoyed at myself that it took me "losing it" to figure this all out :)

Have a great weekend everyone.....  Mine will be very VERY relaxing with lots of sleep involved ;)