Friday 16th July 2010

I'm at a bit of a cross roads at the moment.....
I'm not sure where this blog is going, or if it is worth maintaining to be honest....
I mean, it started out all those years ago as a weight loss blog.
It documented my struggles and my dramas.
Hell, I've had a baby, lost my grandparents, separated from my husband, welcomed 2 nephews and 1 niece in to the world, started dating, got engaged, had WLS, and watched my baby grow up into an amazing 6 year old, all in public and on the internet.
I read back over some of those long forgotten entries and see the inner turmoil that I faced every day as a result of being obese.
The sheer frustration at myself for not being able to stick to a diet or an exercise plan.
It breaks my heart to think of how long I struggled and hated myself for it, when now, I realise it was never my fault.
But in saying that..... it's almost like I'm looking over someone else life, because now, although I still remember the feelings and the frustrations, the memories are all getting a little blurred.
I don't obsess over the scales anymore, in fact, I think I have only been on them once in the past month.
I don't beat myself up over eating the wrong thing anymore, nor do I beat myself up about not going to the gym.

Speaking of the gym.......
Last night I got a call from them actually.....  the chick was "concerned" that I hadn't been in for so long, and the staff "missed me".
WTF?!?!  
Seriously???
None of the bloody staff there ever made any attempt to get to know me, or even talk to me beyond the obligatory "Good Morning" on my walking in the door.
I KNOW why they called...... my membership is up in a month or two, and they will be wanting me to renew it.
I won't be.
Anyway, I laughed at her, and said "to be honest, I'm just too lazy for the gym at the moment, I honestly can't be bothered"
She asked me if I wanted to schedule a 1 on 1 appointment to get me motivated again.
"Nope - I'm pretty happy with not being motivated at the moment thanks"  was my reply.
In the past, I would have made up a thousand excuses and stammered my way through each and every one of them.
I would have made empty promises of returning soon, knowing very well that I wouldn't, then I would have proceeded to beat myself up about the fact that I was "lazy" and "unmotivated" and that I was wasting money each month.
Ya know what??
I didn't beat myself up about it at all.......
I KNOW all those things, but I'm not overly concerned with any of them.
My dream was always to be a gym junkie.
I've finally realised, that I don't actually LIKE exercise, and if I can avoid it - I SURE AS HELL WILL!!!
So, next time I EVER say that I am joining a gym - someone slap me please????

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah........ the blog thing.
I'm finally living a "normal" life.  
People I meet now don't know that I have had Weight Loss Surgery, and although I am not embarrassed or ashamed of it, it doesn't need to define me.  And neither does my weight.  I wont let it.
If I could go back and do it all over again - I would.  The only change that I would make, is that I would do it sooner.
I wouldn't have waited until I was 36, I wouldn't have waited until I felt like I had failed 1000 times already, I wouldn't have waited so long at all.
It is hands down the best money I have ever spent in my entire life, and I would totally encourage anyone to explore the WLS avenue.
But........ I'm over it.
It's a great tool that I will have for the rest of my life, but for now...... I'm normal, and I'm embracing the fact that my future is "normal".
I'm no longer clinging to my past where I had my obesity to blame for anything that went wrong.
I'm not sure what I am trying to say here, and I'm pretty sure that it is not coming out right, but I'm just happy that I am "NORMAL".

Anyway, this is clearly not a weight loss blog anymore, and I pray to God that it never will be again, so I guess I have to figure out if I am comfortable in living my life so publically anymore.
I mean, I'm going to get married again, we are trying for a baby already, and then there is the day to day stuff around bringing up a 6 year old as well.
But is any of that really that interesting to anyone but me??
I don't NEED the constant reassurance from everyone that I once craved - and received by way of readers comments.
And to be honest..... if I stopped blogging, would it really matter?
Maybe I will just take a break and see if I miss it, or if it is a relief that it's done?

Yeah.... maybe that is what I will do :)

And just as a parting shot............. have I told you all lately how much I love my life??
Hehehehehe....