Am I the biggest idiot in the world???
Why do I insist on torturing myself?
I hate men, yet all I want to do, is be in love!!!
Sometimes I can't breathe cos it just hurts too much.
My stomach is constantly churning.
I can't sleep.
I cant eat.
I hate feeling like this!
No one can make it any better, it will just take time, I know.
I just want to not be in limbo anymore.
Is that too much to ask???
OK........ where did all that come from?
It's the same thing I ask myself just about every damn minute lately!
Jeremy.
When I found out yesterday that he had registered on an on-line dating site, I felt ill.
The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick to the stomach.
BUT....... I don't want him!!!!!!
I don't get it!?!?!?!
My problem is....... that I have been "mates" with him since we broke up basically.
OK - the first two weeks I didn't have a lot to do with him.
But a couple of weeks ago he turned up at some ungodly hour of the morning, wanting to stay cos he didn't have taxi money to get home.
I was a complete idiot and let him stay.
Since then, he has stayed a few times.......... as a mate.
Nothing has "happened", nor do I want it to, BUT................ it was almost like we were still together, just not living in the same house.
It was stupid of both of us to carry on like that.....
But it is in the past, and now I find myself sitting here, wondering why the hell he has had such an affect on me?
Anyway, yesterday I decided to cut contact with him........................ And today I feel sick.
I realise that because I was so busy when we first split, finding a new place to live, moving in, going to Hamilton for my first WLS appointments, Christmas parties, Christmas etc... that I had so much to concentrate on, I never actually had time to grieve the relationship breaking down.
I am doing that now.
Now that everything has slowed down, and I have time to think...
Five weeks on, and I am only just starting to feel the full impact of it all.
And I am struggling, and I hate it.
Yeah I know - most of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking that I should be over it all by now.
But I'm not!!!!
And can someone please please please tell me why the hell I feel literally sick to the stomach all the time?
I'm off to the chemist to get some rescue remedy, and talk to them about something to help me sleep, because my nights are consumed with thoughts of him..... and I hate it. I just want to sleep for more than an hour at a time!!!
And on a positive note.......... this time in FOUR weeks (11am) is my admission time into Hospital to start the most exciting journey of my life!!!
I just feel in limbo at the moment.....
Doesn't help that I am missing Rhian more than I ever thought I could, and just thinking of her right now, makes my eyes well up, and the tears start to flow.
I hate feeling so depressed.
How the hell do I "snap out of it"??????
Oh Jo there is no easy answer.... I sometimes wonder that with Boyd if it is the company I am craving the love I am wanting rather than him..... 5 weeks is not long at all... Like you said you are no longer caught up in the hype of Christmas etc so now you have time to think..... I have no answers for you but {{hugs}}..... 2009 is going to be a fantastic year for you in your weight-loss focus on that... love yourself, spoil yourself....
ReplyDeletehey you,
ReplyDeletefirst off, knowone who has ever been involved with a relationship ending will be thinking you should be 'over it already'.
To be honest, my long term relationship ended last April and I STILL felt sick in my stomach when I heard that the ex had been dating someone earlier this year.
It just takes time Jo, and that can be reallyyyy tough. I was told by a good friend (who also happens to be a councellor, but I never saw her on a professional basis) she said "its important to feel everything, so in those moments when I was feeling low I would just sit and feel. (rather then trying to block it, because if you block it then it WILL pop up at some stage, but if you let yourself feel, it can actually help). BUT don't get sooooo drawn into feeling that you let it ruin your whole day. I would perhaps sit for 10mins and do a little mourning for the loss of 'my dream' (not the loss of the relationship as there were many reasons why it didn't work out). When we grieve we often greive the loss of 'what we wanted' not the loss of what we had. (if that makes sense)
There are 'life lessons' in all experiences and although things didn't work out with J, you will find that this experience can either work in your favour or work against you. When a relationship ends we can often take things from it into our next relationship. (ie, mistrust, bitterness etc) or we can use it to identify qualities we now know we need in a future partner.
I have (unfortunately) in the past done both and learnt a lot of difficult lessons along the way.
Its going to take time (such a cliche) but even that can work in your favour. Make this period in your life 'Jo time'. Make it work for you. Work on yourself, adding goodness into your life is a great healer.
Invest in healthy friendships with people who have a positive influence on your life rather then a negetive one.
Gosh, I could have written your post. I've been exactly where it sounds like you are and know first hand how much it hurts, but I promise you that it does get better.
If you want to chat flick me an e-mail with your number and I will call you. I've been exactly where you are chicky and have great listening ears. lol
Take care ooo (hugs)
Lynise has said it all much better than I ever could as she is coming from personal experience. Take note of it all and do chat with her as I am sure she will have heaps more she could say but this blog comment place is probably not the best way place to do it. You need a mor personal and private conversation with her.
ReplyDeleteHow many times have we said "everything happens for a reason"??? Unfortunately it so bloody hard when we can't see ahead to what that reason is. That old cliche 'time', will help, but I can understand where you are coming from at the moment. Take heart from the fact that many do care for and about you and one day all this will seem like a bad dream.
Roll on 1st January......25 days then to the beginning of a new and exciting journey to an even better and healthy you, who will make 'someone' damm proud to be a part of your life and treat you the way every woman should be treated :)
Luv Ya
ma xoxo
As I said to you yesterday Always on the end of a phone if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteLynise and your Mum have given you some amazing advice and the cliches often are the best thing, just hard hearing them at the time.
I am sure that no one who truly knows you is rolling their eyes Jo as they know what a wonderful and sensitive soul you are.
can't wait to see you take some "Jo time" this year.
Hugs
Janine
I am so glad to have found your blog. I use to follow you eons ago when I was known as Outback Girl. I was banded 12 months ago and haven't looked back. I can't wait to catch up on your journey.
ReplyDeleteBTW - you look fucking fantastic!!!!