Tuesday 27th April

Wow!

I seriously don't know where to start, and I think that is why I haven't updated on my weekend yet.

The thing is, is that I gained SO MUCH out of the few days that I was away, and I am not sure if I can even verbalise how much it meant to me.
But I will give it a go.....
Here's a run down on what we did:

Friday
Got Rhian sorted and dropped at school, then headed over to Johnsonville to meet up with the girl that I was catching a ride up and back with.
We had been emailing back and firth for a week or two, but there was still a little bit of me that was wondering how I would go with a stranger in a car for 4 hours... It's just not something that I would have ever done in the past.
I didn't need to worry about it at all, because as soon as I met Trudi, I knew instantly that she was a kindred spirit so to speak.
Young, vibrant, beautiful, and honest. Not afraid to say what she thinks and believes.
We talked the entire trip, so much so that it seemed to go by in a flash!
Before we knew it, we were at National Park, and waiting for another 2 chicks to meet us there from Auckland.
They turned up, and again - I felt so completely comfortable with them both, it was like the 4 of us had known each other in a previous life or something!
Of course when I think about it now, I am positive that it is because we are all walking the same path in life..... We just all clicked.
We got to the Blue Mountain Adventure Centre mid afternoon, and just hung out and talked and talked and got settled in to our rooms, and since we were the first to arrive, we got the pick of the bunch! hehe...
Another 4 people arrived around 5ish, then the rest of the group kind of just dribbled in over the course of the evening.
Not everyone that attended has had surgery, so it was interesting trying to pick out who had, and who hadn't.
And ya know what - I'm still not sure about a couple of them!
There were 17 of us in total.
So while we were waiting for dinner to be cooked for us (by the guys that ran the weekend), we played a few silly bonding games.
Now I am the first to bitch and complain about those stupid things, but ya know what?
I just dealt with it and took part anyway, cos I knew that if I could just drop my guard and interact with everyone, then I would get more out of the weekend than what I would if I just stood back and complained!!
It was bloody funny too! The games were cheesy, but the laughter was real, and that was all that mattered!
After dinner, we did some more bonding stuff, then got told what the next day would bring, and then the guys took off and left us to it.
We talked for a bit as a group, then as the night progressed, we all just drifted off to bed.
Cara and I shared a room, and it was perfect having just 2 of us.... there were 4 bunks, but loads of rooms, so everyone got to be with who they wanted.
We talked for ages, then tried to get some sleep..... without much luck!
Although Cara did manage to get to sleep, but she then woke the entire dorm up by having a nightmare and screaming the place down!
1.30 in the morning, I am lying there trying everything to get to sleep, when she starts thrashing around in her bunk and screaming.
Now we aren't talking a gentle scream............. HELL NO!
This was a blood curdling lung splitting full on scream that had people running from the other rooms!
I am actually used to it, cos Jeremy can go from sound asleep to standing bolt upright yelling in the middle of the night due to dreams, so I took it in my stride.
I knew that I had to calm her down, and couldn't wake her up suddenly, so I just kept repeating her name until she woke up.
Of course once she woke up and calmed down, we burst in to giggles..... then we heard others out in the hallway freaking out!
I opened the door to find about 10 of them all in a group with panicked looks on their faces!
I am sure that they didn't believe that Cara was OK when I said she was though.... She had to get up and show them she was fine too!
Once everyone had calmed down, and realised that there weren't any axe murderers running around camp, everyone got the giggles!
I swear it was about 3am before it was quiet again, then, someone let out a huge fart that resonated through the walls, and that set off the giggles again!
Grown woman, all giggling like 5 year olds for half the night!
I tell ya - no wonder we were all so tired the next morning!

Saturday
Breakfast was at 7.30, then after that we made our lunches and packed them all up ready for the day.
Next it was time to get fitted out in Wetsuits for the White Water Rafting in the afternoon!
ME - in a wetsuit!!! Hahahahahaha.....
Once we were kitted up, we piled in to the vans and headed out.
I had chosen to go Caving instead of Abseiling, so although heights freak me out, I knew that there would be other opportunities throughout the weekend to challenge myself on that involved being high up.
Caving scares the absolute crap out of me...... not only are you in a confined space, but you are underground, in the wet, and the dark with a million creepy crawlies, and no easy escape.
And boy oh boy did I face my fears!!!
There were gaps that we had to squeeze through, that I honestly didn't think I could possibly get through.
There were rocks we had to climb over, and under and it was just unreal!!
A few of the "obstacles" even have nicknames.
There is the "Letterbox" - you have to climb up through a small gap.
The "Toaster" - you have to shimmy your way sideways through a gap between two walls of rock
The "Birth Canal" - and this was the freakiest one...... you have to lower yourself down through a gap in the rock, then basically slide vertically for a few feet, through a small opening (hence the name "Birth Canal") and then, if that wasn't enough, once you were down the birth canal, you then had to squish down on to your stomach and slide your way through another gap, basically face planting the dirt on the other side.
Then we had to go back through the "Letterbox" again, but this time, instead of having to climb up the bloody thing, we had to go down it like a letter being posted!!
At one stage, we were all gathered in the dark, without the torches on, just listening.
It was an overwhelming feeling for me, to be down, underground, knowing what I had already done, and having no idea of what was still to come.
There was no easy way out - at not one point in time, could I have just given up and walked out.
It was real caving, with real challenges, and I had to face my worst fears and fight through the tears to get through some of the gaps, but I did it.
I had a few moments, where the tears started to fall..... but the most amazing thing about it was....... that so did others!
We were all facing our fears, doing things we never ever though were physically possible, and for me, personally, having the knowledge that others were going through exactly what I was, and the fact that I didn't need to justify my tears, or even talk about it if I didn't want to - was amazing!
Truly truly amazing!!!!
We were underground for about an hour and a half, and I was bloody pleased to see the sky again once we came out - but also a little sad in a way that it was over.
But........ I didn't have time to dwell on that at all, cos the next stop was WHITE WATER RAFTING!!!
We stopped to have lunch, then we all got suited up in wetsuits, lifejackets, helmets etc.... had a safety briefing, a short training session on how to paddle, what to do if we fell out etc, then we were off!

Rafting down the Tongariro River for 3 hours! It was spectacular, and awe-inspiring, and breathtaking, and surreal, and a whole host of other things that I can't begin to describe.
I love the water, and I wasn't scared at all, I KNEW that I could do it, and I KNEW that I would love it, and I wasn't wrong on either count!
To me - just actually getting in to a wetsuit was the biggest accomplishment!
We got soaking wet, and by the end of the journey my belly was sore from laughing, and my cheeks were aching from smiling......
Although I did learn early on not to scream when going down the rapids, cos an open mouth is bound to get filled with water! hehehehe.....
The one downer to it all, was that Lou (one of the most amazing women I have ever met) got her hand crunched between a rock face and the raft after coming out of one of the rapids......
She ended up having to go to hospital, and have her rings cut off and finger seen to..... it wasn't broken, but her rings had cut in to her finger and her knuckle was swollen and black and blue.
But.......... I didn't hear her complain about it once - AMAZING!!!
After we had finished the rafting, we headed back to Camp and the men cooked us dinner again..... We didn't have to cook a thing or clean anything all weekend - BLISS!!!
Saturday evening was pretty low key, with us all just hanging out on the couches and talking again..... then it was bedtime, and boy oh boy did I sleep well!!!

Sunday
I knew that Sunday morning was going to be the most challenging for me.
We had been briefed the night before about what we would be doing, and we had a choice again.
This time is was a choice between Abseiling, or Indoor Rock Climbing and the "Leap of Faith"
Once the "Leap of Faith" had been explained to me, I KNEW that was what I had to do.
The indoor rock climbing was fantastic - conquering my fear of heights was amazing, and learning to trust the people that were hanging on to my ropes was a huge step for me.
I went up the wall a couple of times, and found out that I actually enjoyed it, and I wasn't scared!
The next activity was going to challenge every fibre of my being!!
The Leap of Faith......
It is a telephone pole, with a plank, and a trapeze.
You climb the pole, you walk out on the plank, and you JUMP OFF and catch the trapeze, then get lowered to the ground.
My personal challenge to myself, was to climb the ladder that went half way up the pole.
I just wanted to get to the top of that ladder - I didn't care about the pole, or the plank or the damn trapeze.
The ladder was my challenge.
And it was bloody terrible!!!
It wobbled and shook and felt like it was going to break, but I held back the tears, and got to the top.
Then I realised, that I WANTED to go higher - I WANTED to get to the top of the pole.
So I kept on climbing!
And before I knew it, I was at the top of the pole.
And then there was the plank.
I was terrified, I could barely let go of the pole to even get up on to the plank, but I just concentrated on the wood, and didn't let myself look at the ground so far below me.
I could hardly believe it when I finally stood up and inched my way to the end of it.
Here I was, standing on the top of a bloody telephone pole, 50 feet in the air, at the end of a wooden plank!!!
I have NO IDEA what came over me, but I just KNEW that I had to jump!
It seemed like I was standing there for hours...... I was trying to talk myself out of it I think!
But in the end, I just did it!
I jumped off the bloody plank, and hoped and prayed that I would catch the trapeze!
And I DID!
I caught the damn thing!!!!!
And ya know what - it felt fucken fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!
After being lowered to the ground, I was shaking like a leaf.
The thought of what I had just done was sinking in, and then it hit, and the tears came!
I excused myself and ran off to the toilet like a sooky lala, but I just needed a minute to process it all in my head.
Once my tears had stopped, I rejoined the group, and then before we knew it, it was time to go and pack up and get ready to leave!
It was hard leaving my new found friends, but to be honest, I just wanted to get home.

So there ya have it...... that is how my weekend went.
That is the nuts and bolts of it all.
I can tell you what we did, but I can't begin to describe how it has affected me.

So I am going to pinch the words of one of the most amazing women I have met now......

New friendships were formed and some were incredibly deepened.
It was an incredible experience - mind, body and soul.
As one of these beautiful, incredible, inspirational women who became an even closer friend to me and gave me such incredible strength said - "It changed my soul" and that is a perfect way of describing it.
It sure did change my soul.

We spend our lives as "big" people - using our weight as a constant excuse - not doing things because we are too big, not trying things because of fear, anxiety, embarrassment and then you go to a weekend like this - where those excuses aren't possible anymore and your really have to reach deep inside to pull that strength out and "leap" forward - that is life changing.

Sez - I hope you don't mind me using your words...... But it really does sum up so much of the weekend...
It DID change my soul, and it DID make me realise how much of my life I spent hiding behind my weight.
"Life Changing" is the best way to describe it.

LIFE CHANGING!!!!
And that is why, going forward, it is more than the number on the scales.

It is more than a size label on clothes.

It's about embracing the second chance that I have been given, and stepping out of my comfort zone and LIVING THIS LIFE!!!

Next challenge??

Horse Riding!

WITHOUT paralyzing the poor horse - BECAUSE I CAN!!!!