Tuesday 18th November - 2

This journey, is an emotional roller coaster.

I knew it would be.

It's crazy what has been going through my strange head over the past few weeks.

This is going to come across really bad, and I don't mean to sound insensitive to anyone, but this blog is about recording my life and my feelings and the following is part of the reason that I went private again, so here goes......

When I was typing out yesterdays entry about who knows about  me looking in to surgery, I realised that I am still at that "ashamed" stage of my weight journey.

I was thinking about who knows, who doesn't know, how I will answer questions that will come up after surgery (if there is surgery) about me losing weight, and not eating much etc.

A thought crossed my mind that I could tell people that I was sick.

I could tell people that I had been in hospital and had an operation to remove a growth in my stomach, and that I would be recovering for some time afterwards.

Then it occurred to me that in my head, I deemed it to be acceptable for other people to think I was sick, rather than them knowing that I'd had Obesity Surgery.

Now of course I know that there are people out there that are diagnosed with stomach cancer or the like every single day, god knows I have known people who have had this terrible disease, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, but for a while there, I thought that stomach cancer would be more easily understood than Gastric Bypass surgery.

That is how screwed up my head is!

I used to day dream about getting sick or having a really bad accident when I was younger.
I could almost picture myself lying in a coma for 6 months and waking up slimmer.
I used to fantasize about getting sick and not being able to eat for months at a time.
It seemed like the answer that I had been looking for......
I simply wouldn't have to "deal" with food if I was unconscious.

How terrible is that?!?!?!?!!

Told you it was gonna sound bad!!!!!

Anyway, I will admit that I at this stage of the journey, YES, I am still ashamed and embarrassed about travelling down this path.
I guess it stems from me being successful in losing weight before - a lot of weight!
54kgs to be exact.
54kgs in 13 months.
I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed that I caught a glimpse of success, and loved how it felt, yet still managed to pile the weight back on.
I feel humiliated that I am once again fat, and my clothes are busting at the seams.
My health is suffering - everything hurts, and right now my back is KILLING me!!!!!
My relationship is suffering - I don't want Jeremy to come near me at present, as I feel totally revolting, and he can't understand that I can't see that he loves me no matter what.
My work is suffering - I am too embarrassed to go to Christchurch to a big meeting because of my size, and the issue with airplane seats.
My daughter is suffering - and this is what breaks my heart most of all.... I want to be able to be a fun mum, a cool mum, a mum who gets out there, but I'm not.  I'm a sad mum who wants to stay in the house all the time because I don't want people to see me.

I have moments when I think that I could still do it by myself without surgery, but then reality kicks in and I look at the past 22 years of my life and the kgs I have lost over and over again.

Every time I lost weight, I would put it back on again, plus more.

"This time" I have managed to stop before I got back to my all time high of 162kgs, but to be honest, if I wasn't being "saved" by this surgery, then God alone knows how much I would weigh this time next year.

Do I think it is the "easy way out"?

Ya know what - to a certain extent, Yes, I do to be honest - and I don't WANT to feel that way!!!!!!!!!

I know how hard it is to lose weight by dieting and exercise, I've been there and done that.  

I want to be able to talk to the surgeon and the psychologist, and the therapist and the dietician and the obesity specialist and whoever else they put in front of me and ask the questions why?

Why do I feel ashamed?

Why can't I lose weight and keep it off?

Why am I fat to start with?

Why can't I have a meal and be satisfied and NOT have to go searching for something else to eat within 20 minutes of me putting down my fork?

Why is too much never enough for me?

Why will things  be any different after surgery?

So many questions....

So many insecurities....

So much buried deep in me that is waiting to come out....

What happens when I lose a lot of weight, and I am still just Jo?

Will I still be insecure about the way that I look, or will I finally be able to let go and enjoy life and accept what I am given?

Will I transfer my bad habits to my beautiful daughter??

Will my relationship survive the changes that are afoot?

Will I still be happy in my job when I realise that I am capable of much more and that I can no longer use the excuse of being too fat to find another job?

So many questions......