Friday 31st October

Wow - so much going on at the moment - it's insane!

Just made a call to the panel beater to see how long my car is going to take, and it looks like I wont have my car back until Thursday of next week.
While we were talking, he asked how the "courtesy car" was going, to which I replied
"You mean EXCEPT for the smell??"
HE LAUGHED!!!!!
Anyway, it turns out that he thought it was running a "bit rough" when he brought it out for me, and has said that I can take it back and replace it for another one.
And although that will hopefully take care of the smell, I am bloody worried that the next one might be worse!!!
Better the devil you know sometimes I think!!!
But......... I'll take it back at lunch time today and see what they try to give me.
If it sucks (or smells) worse than the one that I already have, I will try to keep it - smell and all!!!

Rhian has been a bit of a nightmare lately at Daycare.
Her bestest friend Poppy has moved on to the Kindy that the company that owns the daycare centre has just opened, a couple of doors down the road.
She has been pining for Poppy something chronic, and has been a right madam by all accounts!
A couple of the teachers at Daycare are in agreeance that she is "ready" for school already, but since we still have 6 months before she turns 5, they think it would be a great idea if we could change her over to the Kindy instead.
They do more learning things there, like early reading and spelling and maths and stuff like that, all in preparation for them to go to school.
We thought that because of the hours they are open, we wouldn't be able to have Rhian there, as it conflicts with Chris's work hours, but he has managed to do some shuffling around, and as a result, we can send our big girl to Kindy - starting the week after next!
I can just imagine the look on her face tonight when her dad tells her that she will be going to Kindy with Poppy!!
It will be priceless!
I know that it is just a temp fix in relation to the best friends thing, cos realistically, Poppy and her will both be going to different schools next year...... but that is a whole other story!!!

This week has been a HUGE one for me emotionally.....
I've been up and down and all over the damn place for a variety of reasons.
Most relate to my weight.
The numbers on the scales are not coming down as I would like them to, and it all just seems overwhelming at times.
The past few months have been hard on me emotionally.
I am at a point (weight) that I swore black and blue I would NEVER get back to in a million years.
Yet, after 2 years of absolute complacency, a certain amount of ignorance, procrastination and just plain stubbornness, I find myself gaining weight again.
Along with that extra weight comes all the demons that I never ever banished from my life.
The sense of failure I felt when at my heaviest, is back in full force, if not even harsher, because I did actually catch a glimpse of success back in 2003 when I got to my lowest weight.
I feel that I have failed myself, failed my family, failed my daughter, failed the company I work for, in fact I feel that I have failed people that I have never even met at times.
I KNOW that I am a good person, but unfortunately the voices in my head take pleasure in making me doubt myself most of the time.
I am depressed.
Depressed that I am tired and sore all of the time, depressed that I look terrible - sure, people may say that I am pretty - but that is not, and has never been enough.
I can't buy clothes, I can barely fit in an airplane seat, the seatbelt on my car nearly cuts off my circulation, yet despite these things, and a list longer than my arm of other things, I still can't control my eating.

I have been investigating Weight Loss Surgery for years.
In fact I can remember vividly the first day that I realised that it wasn't just for the morbidly obese Americans on TV.
I was at a the Carter's place up on the hill, it was 1992, there was a group in the spa pool, they were friends of Gregs, and I was, as always sitting on the side after making up an excuse of not having my togs, therefore couldn't take part in the dip.
There was a girl there, I can't remember her name, but she was lovely.  She would have been about a size 14, not skinny, but healthy and happy looking.
She didn't have a perfect body by any stretch of the imagination, but I remember looking at her and wishing to every future falling star that I would ever see in my lifetime, that one day, I could look like her.
She was confident, she walked around in her togs with pride, almost as if she was a supermodel in her own world, and she seemed to KNOW why I wasn't swimming with them all, but never ever hassled me about it.
She just KNEW, and smiled.
Later on that evening, Greg told me that it was the same girl I had met a year and a half earlier at a flat in Palmerston North.  A girl that would have been about a size 26 and absolutely miserable in her own skin.
She'd had gastric bypass surgery not long after I met her the first time, and the result was the gorgeous young woman I "re-met" that night at the spa pool.
I remember going to the Library the next week, trying to find as much information as I could about the surgery.
I can't remember the exact cost, but it was thousands and thousands of dollars.
It was out of my reach.
I put it out of my mind, but always remembered that girl and her new life.

A few years later, when I was working at Allflex in Palmerston North, a lady I worked with had a similar surgery.
Her transformation was amazing, but she still wasn't happy.
She refused to go to counselling, she refused to go to a "head Dr" as she called it, because she couldn't see that the problems weren't about the surgery, the problems she had were in her head.  She really didn't get it, and I remember thinking that she had just wasted a LOT of money having surgery.
I don't know what ever happened to that lady, and to this day I quite often think about her.

I remember a Dr in Palmerston North told me once that the only way that I was going to lose weight, was to have my "stomach stapled".
That Dr was a total prick, and although a lot of what he was saying made sense, I didn't like him, and changed Dr's when he neglected to diagnose gall stones in me.
Anyway, my next Dr was great.  He referred me to a dietician, a nutritionist, he prescribed me diet pills, got me in to see a counsellor, but the entire time, I just kept gaining weight.... I blamed everything EXCEPT myself.
Then I moved to Wellington and got yet another new Dr.
She tried the usual things over the years.......... more diet pills, Duromine, Reductil, along with anti-depressants for my moods, and anti-inflammatories for my terrible back pain which got worse the heavier I got.
I've been to two series of counselling sessions over the past 4 years, and I have managed to fool the counsellors in to believing that I was happy with myself and my life.  Funny........ I thought that they would have been able to see through my charade, and delve in to the REAL problems.
Nope - I was too good at hiding my feelings and laughing it off.

NO MORE!!!!
I FINALLY went and saw my Dr this week, and was 100% completely honest with her about my weight, and how it affects my life and my health.
My knees ache, my ankles hurt, my back feels like someone is shoving daggers directly in to my spine some days.  My head is constantly throbbing, my heart races, I get dizzy, I'm tired.  I'm constantly tired and feel like I could lie down and never wake up again.
I hate the way I look.  I hate the way I can't fit in to chairs with arms, trips to the dentist are humiliating, the hairdresser is the same - I just want a chair WITHOUT arms on it for once!!!!
I can't buy clothes to fit from chain stores anymore.  In fact, even the boutique "larger size" shops hardly ever have pants to fit around my thighs.
I've hit the bottom again, and it's time to admit that I can't do this by myself.
The Dr gave me (on my request) a referral to see a Surgeon that specialises in Obesity surgery.
Mr David Schroeder in Hamilton, could well be the man who changes my life!

On December the 3rd & 4th, I will see not only Mr Schroeder the surgeon, but also an Obesity Specialist, a Nutritionist, a Consulting Therapist, and a psychologist.
These 5 people will determine whether or not I am a suitable candidate for a Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass operation.
Drastic I know, but I honestly believe this is the tool I need to be able to move forward in my life.
It's not just about the surgery.
It's about getting to the bottom of the problem, and exorcising those demons once and for all.
It's not the easy way out as a lot of people deem it to be.
It has been one of the hardest decisions of my life.
But for the first time in this life, I am standing up and saying - Hey, I need help dammit, and I DESERVE to be happy.
I have a gorgeous daughter that needs a mother without huge food issues.
If I can spare her from going through the humiliation and self loathing that I have had to suffer over the years, then I will be happy.
I'm already finding myself rewarding or comforting her with food, and I need to learn how NOT to do that.
I will seek out that help, and I WILL succeed at raising a well adjusted wonderful girl who is not embarrassed or ashamed by her body or her mother.
A bike ride in the park can be a great reward, and although it physically hurts to walk for long, I know that there will come a day when I can RUN in the park with her, and be free from the excess weight I carry.

Sure - I have a million and one questions.
What guarantees that the surgery will be successful?
What will stop me from gaining the weight back after a few years?
Will I be able to go through the rest of my life watching what I eat?
What about the pain?
But I also know that if I don't go down this path, then I will end up gaining more and more weight, and trying to hide the fact that I am dying inside.

So there ya have it.
It's been a rollercoaster ride already, and my emotions have been all over the place, but actually coming to the decision, and making the appointments has now been done.......
I'm looking forward to the future and knowing that I have made the right decision.
I will be forever grateful to Mum and Steph for listening to my emotional ranting and raving and although I know that they still don't quite understand me completely, the support that they have offered is nothing short of amazing, and I only hope that one day I can pay that support forward or of course, give it back.
My entire family is on board with me, as is Jeremy, and that is a feeling that not only makes me smile, it also calms me.

It's a long road, and it's not always going to be smooth sailing - I know that - but I'm prepared to travel this journey and see where the end destination will be.

Wish me luck :)

Ooooooo......... I went and swapped the courtesy car at lunch time..............
I got a 1993 Nissan Bluebird instead!  
The radio works, the windows work and it doesn't smell!!!!!!!
YAY ME!!!!!