Hello?? Wednesday 1st August 2018

It's been a while....
Not sure that anyone will even read this at all, but I figured now was as good a time as any to post a life update!
I'm going to be 46 in two weeks and I still don't have my shit sorted out!
Not sure I ever will to be honest :)
Rhian is now 14 and at an all girls college.  She is a gorgeous girl with her head on straight - we are very close.
Jaynie is seven and in year three at primary school.  She is independent and feisty but underneath it all, she has a soft heart.
Tilly is five, she started year one at primary school in May of this year.  She is a mummy's girl with a big heart and is easily hurt, but she's starting to find her way now that her school days have started.
Quite simply - I would kill for any of my girls!
Jeremy and I are still married - not sure how cos God knows we have nearly killed each other!!
We separated at the end of 2017, but decided to give it now more shot in January of 2018 and we're still here.....
We have three fur babies:
Lilly (2 year old cat that is bonded to Jaynie like nothing I have ever seen before - wherever Jaynie is, Lilly isn't far behind).
Sam (10 month golden Labrador - thick as pigshit but just damn lovely!).
And Rocco (4 month old Staffordshire bull terrier - the biggest smoochiest sook in the world).
I'm working part time (just 10 hours per week) as an office assistant in a busy Occupational Therapy practice, it's just around the corner from home and I don't have to work school holidays at all, so it suits me fine!
Although I must admit - I hate the atmosphere in the office, and some days I dread going in at all, but for now, it will do!

Physically, I'm not in great shape... I've gained back a LOT of weight since my Gastric Bypass surgery, nearly 40kgs in fact!!
As of today, I'm sitting on 120.1kgs - a number that I swore black and blue I would NEVER get back to - but here I am!  I've actually dropped a couple of kilos in the last week as I'm finally taking control of my eating back...
You see, when I had my bariatric surgery, I never did the "head work" properly... and that's the part that I regret the most - if I could go back and do it again I'd certainly work on that part more than anything!
But, as they say - hindsight is a wonderful thing!
I've replaced food with alcohol over the past few years, and finally this year, I reached a decision that saw me eradicate alcohol from my life completely.
I'm now 2 months and 21 days sober... a huge achievement for someone who was drinking two to three bottles of wine a night!
I used to think that alcoholism was reserved for the dirty old men drinking out of paper bags around the corner from the pub, but now I realise that it can affect anyone - including me!
I drank to escape from the daily grind, to celebrate successes, to mourn losses, to enjoy gatherings, to make myself braver.... I drank to lose myself because I never thought I was good enough for anything!!  The more weight I put on, the more I drank, and in the last few months of my drinking I was up to two or three bottles of wine per night.  I'd drink with friends, and if there was no one around, I'd happily drink by myself until I physically couldn't drink anymore, then I'd pass out and sleep it off.  Then I'd wake up and vow that I wouldn't drink again... until the hangover wore off and I was looking for wine again by 4pm...
I'm not proud of it, I'm not proud of how I acted when I was drunk, I'm not proud of the mother I was when I was drinking and I'm certainly not proud of the way I treated those close to me.
But I'm owning it these days - I can admit I had/have a drinking problem, and I can also admit that it's not an easy road to travel to be sober when so many people around me can drink "normally".
But I know I can be proud of the fact that I've finally taken control of it, and the wine no longer controls me!

So there ya go... that's what up with me these days!
Maybe I'll update more often.... or maybe I won't post anymore at all, who knows!
All I know is that life is good, I'm in charge and I won't give that up again!
XX